The reason is that I never wanted anyone to know that I was overweight. As a teen, I was incredibly busty and average weight, but being short and wearing baggy cloths, left me looking far heavier than I was, so I had this image of myself as huge. Then I put on weight and I gave up so many opportunities because I thought I was too fat.
Les Miz had auditions in Toronto and I didn't go because I didn't think they would want someone who looked like me. I heard several times when gigging in bars that I had an amazing voice, and 'such a pretty face, if only you'd lose a little weight, you could make it big."
When I made the transition from stage to internet, I continued to hide, I still refuse to be on video for Kink Geek, as I have this voice in my head that says, people will only want to listen to me if I am tiny and gorgeous. I'm sure this sounds silly, or self absorbed to some, and it is, but it's also the way that many people have experienced the world. If you aren't very young, very thin and very beautiful, you just aren't worth as much in society.
The problem with this looks based method of judging peoples worth is that no one can measure up. Those that are overweight aren't the only segment of society to have to deal with this, but this is the category that I find myself in. There are days that I don't even want to leave the house, my anxiety is so bad. I struggle with this daily.
Step and I made a vow to get healthier and we are fighting really hard to do just that. We promised back in January to post these photos as a way of making ourselves accountable and to own up to where we are in our journey. We also thought it might help other people that feel shame because of their bodies. The reason that it's taken until today for it to happen is fear. I'm terrified of being this exposed and of opening myself up to the bullying that I experienced in highschool. To hearing from the world wide web how fat and unattractive I am.
I've decided today to push that fear aside and accept that I am who I am in this moment. Tomorrow I will be better and stronger, and two months from now, even more so, but today- this is where we are.
Thanks for reading,
-Tams
